definitely did not do anything wrong
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My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
Strangers have the best candy.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Dear waiter,
You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.
Love,
David
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
j o i m p
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
What’s a Messi?
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?