And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
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Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.