[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
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*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
I identify as an antique shop.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Spring is coming – I bet the trees will be releaved.
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*