“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
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Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
Is Ham short for Hamuel or Hamantha?
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
People complain about crying babies on airplanes, but in my experience a crying pilot is worse.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Investing in beetcoin
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.