[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
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A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.
I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.
Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police