Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
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Comedians: if you’re not offending someone you’re not doing comedy right
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographers fault and that’s extra scary to me because there’s a large out of focus monster roaming the countryside
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
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It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]