Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
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How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.
Bringing home a sharpie
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
[first date]
ME: *staring at phone* So then you just come up with something funny and people RT you
WAITER: Sir, your date left 20 min ago
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos