*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
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*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
This is a really bad idea. When do we start?
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May