Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
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*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
Sleeping In A Car By Age:
12 And Under: Very cool
13-17: Kinda weird but not that big of a deal
18+: Uh-Oh
Me:
Mime:
Me: You don’t say!
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister