Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
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It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Overdraft fees should be illegal. Simply block the payment if there are insufficient funds. Why is that hard?
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
I think all the cats in my neighborhood have started a gang. I’ve been seeing a lot of mouse related graffiti lately.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.