If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
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ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
I want to rub myself all over you like a dog rolling in a dead raccoon.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending