me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
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her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
*eating lawn mower parts*
what, it’s grass fed
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.