My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
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How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.