70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
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We all have our pet causes.
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”
being a writer on Twitter:
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van