In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
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[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
Don’t stay together for the kids. Stay together because neither one of you wants to raise those monsters alone.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
– First day of College
– Dorm meetingDorm monitor: Any questions guys?
Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
“I’m still at the airport, actually.” -A woman next to me on the train just now
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.