If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
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Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
“are you sure these x-rays are safe?”
[doctor 12 feet away behind a lead wall] you’re fine
JUDGE: So to be clear, you’re pleading not guilty to stealing the child’s shoes?
ME: [heelies up to the mic] That’s correct
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
To whoever stole my antidepressants: I hope ur happy now
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
got a huge lump of coal in my stocking which was awesome because it was starting to get pretty cold.