I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
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#KarenAndTheCat 😉
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
BRAKING NEWS!!
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball