I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
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I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that Im typing this with my middle finger.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
He’s cranky this morning
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’