all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
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If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
May God bless you with children who are incompetent at hiding evidence
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying