I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
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When choosing a heart medicine, always pick the one that causes, “significantly less bleeding.”
Less bleeding is good for not being dead.
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
Meanwhile in Canada…
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.