I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
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Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
lmao
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
future wife: how many alarms did you set
me: don’t worry about it
wife: how many
me: twenty seven
wife: set three more
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Been coming here every day for six years and I’m starting to lose hope.