Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
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Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
😂😂