Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
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Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated