At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
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A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Some people were born into their job.
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
co-worker: hey-
me: what is it I’m very busy
co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv
[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.