I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
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Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Wife: Why did you have to cook all of it at once? Not only do we now have to eat 5 pounds of the stuff for breakfast but the whole house smells like bacon!
Me: I’m failing to see what part of this is upsetting
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
“Sorry, but none of my clothes fit today.” My date nods, and politely avoids looking at my towel and safety pins.
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.