Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
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Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
‘Sorry officer but how was I to know that weird noise my car was making was a bicycle stuck in my mudflap?’
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Son: Daddy, when does this end?
Me: No-one knows, our existence is a long, bleak road upon which we travel until the final embrace of death
Son: I mean when does this party end?
Me: 7.30