A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
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I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
Genie: You have three wi–
Me: [trying to stuff him back into his container because I didn’t want to talk to anyone today]
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.