A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
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Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
cry laughing at this shit
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
Twitter is an abusement park.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird