Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
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Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
This is what makes twitter great
Because I’m on a health journey, I’m no longer looking for a sugar daddy, I’m now looking for a protein papa. Don’t make this weirder than I already have.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.