The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
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Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
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The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.