“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
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Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
For anyone who needs this today
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.