Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
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5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there