You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
You Might Also Like
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
Our public library is holding a “Read with a Firefighter” event. I tried to sign up, but it’s only for ages 6 – 9.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Me: *establishes dominance by removing the toilet seat*
Wife: Good move, smart guy. What are you gonna do when you have to….
Me: Shit.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
britain’s three elite institutions
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do