therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
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If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
BREAKING: DirecTV subscribers lose The Weather Channel over fee dispute. Luckily, subscribers will keep windows, which they can look out of.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming