History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
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*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
calling in to work dehydrated
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Eating mint chocolate is like brushing your teeth with a candy bar toothbrush.
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.