I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
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*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
These 3D printers are insane!