How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
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Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.