girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
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Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
my father died in a conga line and so shall i
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
We really are the most blessed generation. We’ve had 7 iPhones and 7 Fast and Furious movies.
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(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
Cat.
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.