btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
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Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
So sick of all these stupid rules
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
[dark alley]
Dealer: so what you want
Me: a gram
[dealer opens trenchcoat, revealing multiple grandmothers]
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”