[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
You Might Also Like
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
I realize climate change may be a problem but it doesn’t have retail employees I can record myself yelling at so what do you want from me
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to