Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
You Might Also Like
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs