My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
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I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Why do we only do certain things for toddlers? Maybe I want some applause when I eat a piece of fruit.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
(Man hobbles into grocery store using a cane)
5: HEY MOM THAT MAN IS USING A WALKING STICK BC HIS BONES AREN’T STRONG & HE’LL DIE SOON RIGHT
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?