I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
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Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
Dad, I’m dating this pillow. It’s called Melanie
“You could do better than this”
You know I’m not good with women
“I was talking to Melanie”
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
darth vader: i killed three planets
thanos: i killed half the universe
voldemort: i uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times
thanos: a kid, really
darth vader: wow
voldemort: you don’t know the power of a mother’s love okay
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”