[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
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well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
this makes me so uncomfortable
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true