Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
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I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Me, flirting😏
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.