“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
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Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
A survey found one in five women have ended a relationship because their significant other was too busy playing video games.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.