Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
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Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Hey! This is your home!
It’s kinda messy… but you’ll get use to that!-my 6yo, welcoming his new baby sister 😂😂💀
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
The devil.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
I was able to secretly eat an entire candy bar with my toddler in the same room so the CIA should be hiring me any minute now.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?