Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
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[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
😜
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Potatoes were such a good idea
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst