You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
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The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
My coworker’s nose is whistling as he breathes and that fact alone should allow me to cop a sweet plea deal for what’s about to happen here
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.