don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
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Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
put ‘er there pardner!
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now